By Deanna Verbouwens
September 04, 2001

I was all over the map this week – kind of like those characters in its a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I felt like I was on a “feelings road-trip” hitting every possible emotion and feeling in the book; lost, happy, anxious, angry, in control, and then completely out of control. All in one week! It was horrible and I never want to experience a week like that again.

Let me outline what happened for you. The week started off GREAT, as we had another photo shoot. I was able to hang out with Fatou and Alanna (the other Feel Great Weight participants who are just fabulous) for a little while and they are doing wonderfully. Its a joy to see us all succeeding. The photo shoots are so much fun due to the wonderful Mary Beth (Photo Director for Health), the make-up artist Chris and the photographer Heather. They make you feel comfortable and are just a pleasure to speak with - plus they are a huge dose of encouragement!!

After the shoot (sounding all “modely” … ha!), I saw Marissa our nutritionist. I had a successful month and I am closer to my goal weight set-forth by Health than I ever imagined. I was really in shock. Do you know where I am going with this? No? Well, I self-sabotaged AGAIN and made some really bad choices related to my food intake. I bounced back and forth into being able to make solid food choices to horrible ones.

From having brussel sprouts and baked chicken legs to over doing it on the chips, muffins (the bad kind), munchkins, and visiting McDonalds. This happened all in one week. I was feeding my emotional road race once again. I made myself sit down and think about what I was doing – the first thought that popped into my head was that I am self-sabotaging because my goal is so close.

I was flabbergasted but I knew it was true. It still didnt stop me, but it did slow me down because I was aware but people it didnt stop me. And I am afraid – very afraid that this emotional eating beast will never be tamed. To be honest, I hang my head in shame and think, “what type of person would sabotage themselves?” My answer: a normal person. Because I KNOW I can do this and I KNOW I will do this. I have to slay my demons like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have to love myself, believe in myself, and knock it out of the park.

I ran 3 miles this morning plus did 20 minutes on the bike and walked another 10 minutes. I am sweating all the “yuckies” out of me. That being said, I am going back to the basics to when I first started the program. Instead of logging my food in my online journal, I will be doing it in my handy-dandy notebook. I am going to be cognizant of my indulgent meals and snacks instead of just picking away. I am going to love myself unconditionally because, to share a Dr. Phil-ism; “If you cant love you, no one else can.” There, I said it.

Weekly Goals

  • Planning meals: Plan all meals and snacks.
  • Exercise: Cardio for 60 minutes, 6 days a week.