Shawn Johnson East Felt 'Guilty' Following Her Miscarriage: I Told My Husband, 'I'm Sorry I Lost Your Baby'
"It was a super emotional roller coaster," she said.
This article originally appeared on People.com.
Shawn Johnson East is healing from her loss.
“It was a super emotional roller coaster, and one that we never imagined sharing with the world,” says Johnson East, 25, who found out she was pregnant a week ago before suffering the loss two days later, after telling her husband the good news.
“But we felt like so many people go through it that it was something we wanted to share with you guys,” she adds. “We’ve never posted anything that raw and real before, and it meant a lot to us.”
Johnson East admits in the new 16-minute vlog that she grappled with a lot of guilt, initially feeling like losing her pregnancy was something she could’ve personally prevented.
“The day I was told we were miscarrying, I felt guilty. I felt sad and I remember telling Andrew, ‘I’m sorry I lost your baby.’ I felt like it was something that I did,” she recalls. “I didn’t take care of the baby well enough, or I was stressed out too much, or I didn’t take the right prenatal vitamins.”
“All these different guilts and thoughts and negative feelings of ‘I failed my baby,’ ” says Johnson East. “I felt like I was [uninhabitable], like, ‘No baby’s gonna live inside this belly.’ ”
The new video didn’t shy away from giving viewers a glimpse into the severity of the couple’s emotional pain, showing Johnson East lying on the floor in the bathroom and closet and spending a lot of time lounging on the couch and in bed — plus touching on her feeling physically ill to the point of vomiting.
But despite the difficulty of the past week, the former pro athlete says the outpouring of love has been “awesome” since sharing the news, and that she and East are extremely grateful.
“As a result of us posting that video, there’s been so many people that have come out and shared their stories about, ‘Hey, I’ve had 11 miscarriages’ and ‘It took me X amount of years to finally have a kid, but once we did it was the best thing in the world,’ ” shares East, 26.
Johnson East says she’s still feeling sick off and on, but that the couple are mostly just still struggling with how to handle the emotions over their loss. “We’re really sad, and I don’t know if we know how to mourn it. It’s a weird process to go through,” she explains.
“We had a very small window of time where we enjoyed the idea of having a kid together, and it was like boom — the next day, everything got slammed back in our face,” says East.
“It’s still tough,” he adds. “I see Shawn looking at kids in strollers and she’s talking about kids all the time now, [but] we now have to wait a little bit [to start trying again], per doctor’s orders.”
This Story Originally Appeared On People