She says that comparing herself to porn stars has made her too self-conscious to orgasm.

By Christina Oehler
Updated: June 19, 2019

Everyone wants to feel sexy in the bedroom, but that’s not always easy when you’re self-conscious about your appearance. In a post in Reddit’s r/sex, a 22-year-old woman is asking for advice after sharing her embarrassment over the way she looks when she orgasms. The Original Poster (or OP, as Redditors say) explained that because of her embarrassment, she’s never been able to have an orgasm during sex with her current partner. 

“I don’t have typical ‘porn star’ orgasms,” she wrote. “Rather, my body thrashes, and I basically look like I'm being possessed by a demon. I know what I like, I can orgasm easily during masturbation, but throw a partner into the mix and I lock up.”

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The OP added that she is so afraid her partner won’t be accepting of her natural orgasm reaction that she feigns the experience every time. 

“I've been faking orgasms for years. I don’t want my significant other to think I'm not enjoying intimacy with him (because I am), but I worry that he won't find it attractive if he sees me essentially having a mini seizure and completely losing control of the muscles in my legs,” she added.

She explained that she also worries that if she reveals that she has been faking her orgasms, her relationship would be ruined. 

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But OP isn’t the only one faking it. A 2010 study in the Journal of Sex Research revealed that 67% of women who have had heterosexual, penile-vaginal intercourse have faked an orgasm. It’s not clear why so many have done this, but, like in OP’s case, embarrassment can be a factor. 

“Women generally express more concerns about this than men,” Holly Richmond, PhD, somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, previously told Health. “When you’re worried about what you look like, you’re not fully in the moment. I think a lot of women have this anxiety about what’s going to happen and that they might get laughed at or rejected because of how they look during sex—and that almost never happens.”

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On the contrary, says Richmond, people usually prefer to watch their partner orgasm during sex. 

“It’s important to know that partners love to see their partner experiencing pleasure,” Richmond noted. “We see women’s orgasm faces all the time in mainstream porn, so obviously, lots of people are into seeing that.”

Plenty of the post’s commenters echoed that sentiment. 

“Not sure what kind of men you've been with.....but violent, body racking orgasms in women turn most of us the fuck on,” one user commented. “Not to mention gives us a real high because then we're thinking ‘Wait....I did that to her?’”

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“I (m47) would find it such a turn on to have my woman orgasm like that. To know that I could help cause so much pleasure that she reacted like that would be a HUGE ego boost for me,” another wrote. 

It is easier said than done, but the best way to overcome your orgasm insecurity is to focus and remember that the point of sex is pleasure, Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love, previously told Health.

“If you’re worried about looking perfect while having this experience, it’s like having a present under the Christmas tree that you’re not unwrapping,” explains Lombardo. “It’s there for you to enjoy, but you’re not enjoying it.” 

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