"Let's leave doggy style to the dogs, please."
There’s no one way to define amazing sex. What works for you might be something your friend will never try again. And of course, how much fun you have between the sheets highly depends on who you’re with.
But for all the crazy, “how do you even do that?!” entries in the Kama Sutra (see: the Double Decker or the Fire Hydrant), there are plenty of common sexual scenarios that porn, erotica, and even mainstream TV shows and movies have built up to be the sexiest way to get off—but are actually anything but IRL.
These seven women (who asked to be anonymous for their partners’ sakes) seem to speak for most women, as they explain why the following sex positions and situations are just so played out—or poorly thought out—that they’d be happy to never indulge in them again.
“Ew—this is actually disgusting. When I was younger, I thought it was cool to 69. You both get off at once! We’re so equal in the bedroom! But a grown-ass woman doesn’t want to have to give at the same time as receiving. How can you get off when you feel like you’re being suffocated and gagged at the same time? No, thanks.”
“There's a lot of planning involved, which means it's not romantic or spontaneous like it's ‘supposed’ to be, and if you don't bring a towel, you're going to have sand up in areas where sand should never be. Not to mention you're running the risk of sand crabs getting up in your vag.”
“Someone please explain to me why every guy wants to do it from behind. It’s never enjoyable for me, and I spend the whole time wondering when we can be done with this phase to go back to the face-to-face stuff. Also, I feel like air always gets pushed inside me, then as soon as you move or turn over, it all comes out! Vagina farts! No, thanks.”
“I wish I could say that shower sex was the worst I’d ever had, but the truth is that I’ve never actually been able to bring any attempts at it to fruition. New York showers are small, all showers are slippery, and all the water means that I end up wet everywhere but the one place that’s necessary.”
Food in bed
“What, exactly, is sexy about being covered in food? Sure, the visual might be cool for a minute (I know every guy I went to high school with fantasized about that Varsity Blues whipped cream bikini scene), but it just ends in a sticky mess. Also, who’s cleaning up that mess? Me. Not my partner. Me. So the entire time, I’m just thinking about how hard it’s going to be to get all the chocolate out of my nice sheets. Talk about a turnoff.”
“Nothing about this is fun for me. You know where my clitoris isn’t? In my boobs, so there’s literally zero pleasure involved on my end. And the couple times I’ve tried it, I’ve ended up getting hit in the face with his penis, which feels so demeaning even if it’s obviously not on purpose.”
“Every guy I’ve been with has pushed to have anal sex. I finally tried it with my husband, after we’d been together for years, and it was so uncomfortable and un-enjoyable for me—despite copious amounts of lube. I was paranoid the whole time that I’d get poop on him, which is really not what you want to be thinking about during sex. I get that it’s still sort of taboo, which can be appealing, but it feels so one-sided in terms of pleasure that I’m just not okay with it.”