“He said a lot of things that made me feel like I was less of a person for having a lot of sex"

By Christina Oehler
May 21, 2019

In a now-deleted Reddit post in r/relationships, an 18-year-old woman asked for advice on how to get her sexual confidence back after her boyfriend shamed her for her past sexual experiences. 

The Original Poster (or OP, as Redditors say) explained that prior to meeting her boyfriend, she had been “very sexually active” and felt confident in bed. At the start of her relationship five months ago, she said that she would casually mention her previous sexual experiences, which would start fights with her boyfriend.

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“One specific time it caused a particularly large argument where he snapped at me for bringing it up again and that he was sick of hearing about it,” she wrote. “He said a lot of things that made me feel like I was less of a person for having a lot of sex and enjoying it. I don’t know why it affected me so intensely but I think it was just hearing those things from him that made it so bad.”

The OP says that she went from being open with and confident about her sexuality to “not even being able to have a sexual thought without feeling a deep sense of shame and self-hatred.”

She explained that her boyfriend could tell something was wrong after she no longer had interest in him sexually. She eventually admitted that her lack of interest was a result of his negative comments.

“We talked it out and he told me he doesn’t think less of me for my experiences like I thought he did,” she wrote. “He didn’t realize what he had done until now and I know that he regrets it. I’m not upset with him at all honestly. The only thing I’m actually upset about is that my entire sexual identity is gone and I don’t know/I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.”

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She finished her post by asking for advice on how to get her confidence back, which sparked dozens of replies—many from users who sided with her boyfriend. 

"Exactly, he just didn't want to hear them lol," one Redditor wrote. "Can you blame him for that?"

“It is okay to have a sexual identity and be confident about what you like, and teaching your partner these things about your body and how to help you receive pleasure,” another Redditor responded. “BUT, very very few partners in my opinion want to hear the details of your sexual history. It isn’t a case that he is shaming you for having one as far as I can tell from your post, just that he doesn’t want or need to hear the details. It can come off as comparing, which is quite hurtful and likely a big ego boost if you’re making him feel lesser than any of the stories you’re telling him.”

Because of the incident, the OP said that she “can’t think of doing anything sexual without cringing.”

Regardless of whose side you're on, it's definitely a confidence killer to be shamed for your sexual history—whether you have a lot of experience in bed or very little.

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