The Case for Scheduling Sex, According to a Relationship Expert
Putting sex with your partner on the calendar may sound like a buzzkill. But the reality is that not every romp happens on a whim. “There’s a belief in our culture that sex is supposed to be spontaneous, but it almost never is,” says Megan Fleming, PhD, a New York City–based sex and relationship therapist. “If you’re married, have kids, or just lead a busy life, spontaneous sex is more than likely not available to you.”
Scheduling sex isn't uncommon. A recent survey conducted by the wedding registry company Zola found that 36% of newlyweds plan sex. Fleming encourages partners to schedule sexy time together too, telling them to book a bed session so they have a set time and place to get it on. The only problem with planning to get busy at 2 p.m. on a Saturday? “The truth is, you don’t know how you’ll both feel at that time and we can’t command ourselves to feel aroused,” says Fleming. “What we can do is create conditions that make sex more likely to happen.”
So how can you set yourselves up so you'll be feeling it at the right time? Since feeling rested primes you for arousal, it's a good idea to take a nap before your blocked off sexy time. If that's not possible, just lie down and chill, clearing your head space of stress and focusing on nothing but relaxing,
Another idea is to plan fun or sexy things to do together in the time leading up to your sex appointment. If you love cooking together, whip up a meal while you drink wine. If you love friendly competition, break out a game or activity that makes you feel invigorated, so it's easy to segue into foreplay. “Just try to do activities that make you feel connected but are also light and playful,” says Fleming.
One surprising upshot of arranging intimacy ahead of time is that it can encourage you two to have more non-pre-planned sex. “If you’re regularly scheduling and having sex, chances are you’re going to keep having sex and it might become more impromptu over time,” notes Fleming. Why? “When we haven’t had sex in a while, it takes more energy to get it going again. Keeping it on the calendar helps it stay in flow.”
If you’re skeptical about feeling turned on by booking a bang, know this: Just because it’s planned doesn’t mean it can’t be hot. “If you’re doing it right, there’s bound to be anticipation,” says Fleming. “You won’t be able to wait for the next time.”