By Roshini Rajapaksa, MD
January 28, 2013
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bed-orgasmQ: This is mortifying, but I've never had an orgasm. Are some people just incapable?

A: It's extremely rare for a woman to be physically unable to achieve orgasm, though it's not unusual for a woman to think that she's missing the orgasm gene. But unless you've just recently gone from being able to orgasm to not-or you suspect something is interfering with your ability to climax, such as pain during sex or medicines lowering your drive-there's probably no physical reason you can't orgasm.

Instead, try a few things before giving up on sexual bliss. First-and this is the hardest part-try to stop focusing on it so much. In women, orgasms are usually as much mental as physical. Unfortunately, that means the more you obsess about it, the less likely you are to get there. Unlike men who-let's be honest-usually have orgasms effortlessly starting in adolescence, many women pass through their 20s, 30s, even beyond without ever experiencing the Big O.

Why is that? While we see women in movies who peak with vaginal sex, in real life, it's just not always that way. The vagina isn't very sensitive to stimulation; the clitoris, which is our version of the penis, needs to be stimulated for orgasm, and the more direct the stimulation the better. (With vaginal sex, you're indirectly stimulating the clitoris at best.) So ask your man for oral sex or manual stimulation of the clitoris: Even if it doesn't send you over the edge, it should feel amazing, which is really the point, right? Better yet, figure out how to flip your switch on your own. Sometimes this kind of low-pressure practice makes all the difference. Getting hands on with your body is a great way to figure out what you love and what you don't. Then sign your guy up for a tutorial. Chances are he'll love knowing what gets you off.

For more answers to embarrassing questions, check our out new book, What the Yuck?!