How to Talk to Someone With Depression, According to Experts

Updated January 16, 2020
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10 things to say—and 10 things you should never say—to someone battling depression.
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How to show you care

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What do you say to someone who’s depressed? All too often, it’s the wrong thing.

“People still have such a cloudy idea of what mental illness is,” Kathleen Brannon, of Herndon, Virginia, tells Health.

“Sometimes people will say, ‘Oh, you’re depressed? Yeah, I’ve been depressed,’ and you realize just the way they say it that, nooo, it’s not quite the same thing. It’s not just that I’m feeling sad or blue.”

Below is a list of helpful things to tell someone battling depression, followed by what not to say—courtesy of the Depression Alliance, a national organization that campaigns to end the stigma of depression, provides information on depression treatment options, and raises awareness of what it means to live with the depression.

RELATED: What Is High-Functioning Depression—and Could You Have It?

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"I’m here for you"

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What to say:

"You’re not alone in this."

What NOT to say:

"There’s always someone worse off than you are."

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"You matter"

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What to say:

"You are important to me."

What NOT to say:

"No one ever said that life was fair."

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"Let me help"

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What to say:

"Do you want a hug?"

What NOT to say:

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

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"Depression is real"

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What to say:

"You are not going crazy."

What NOT to say:

"So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?"

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"There is hope"

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What to say:

"We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through."

What NOT to say:

"Try not to be so depressed."

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"You can survive this"

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What to say:

"When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you."

What NOT to say:

"It’s your own fault."

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"I’ll do my best to understand"

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What to say:

"I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion."

What NOT to say:

"Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days."

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"You won’t drive me away"

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What to say:

"I’m not going to leave you or abandon you."

What NOT to say:

"I think your depression is a way of punishing us."

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"I care about you"

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What to say:

"I love you." (Say this only if you mean it.)

What NOT to say:

"Haven’t you grown tired of all this 'me, me, me' stuff yet?"

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"We’ll get through this together"

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What to say:

"I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me."

What NOT to say:

"Have you tried chamomile tea?"

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