Health Conditions A-Z Cancer Breast Cancer 14 Things Women With Metastatic Breast Cancer Want You to Know Real women open up about what it's like to live with stage 4 breast cancer, plus how you can help. By Anthea Levi Anthea Levi Anthea Levi is a registered dietitian (RD) and freelance reporter with more than 6 years of experience writing for major health outlets including Health magazine, BuzzFeed, Eat This, Not That!, and Livestrong. health's editorial guidelines Published on September 26, 2017 Share this page on Facebook Share this page on Twitter Share this page on Pinterest Email this page These six lifestyle changes can help reduce your risk of breast cancer. Metastatic breast cancer is an ongoing struggle Peathegee Inc/Getty Images A lot of people don't realize that treatment for stage 4 breast cancer never ends. "I often get asked how many rounds of chemotherapy or infusions I have left, but the truth is there's no endpoint," says Uzma Yunus, a psychiatrist who has stage 4 breast cancer that's spread to her liver and skull. "I will be on a medication until it stops working, and then I'll look for the next agent that might help." Women with late-stage breast cancer also check in with their doctors for frequent scans, sometimes as often as every three months, to make sure the disease hasn't spread anywhere else in the body. Stephanie McCord, 40, whose stage 1 breast cancer came back as MBC two years ago when it spread to her lungs, liver, bones, and stomach, echoed Yunus's remark: "My breast cancer is never going away," McCord says. "Stage 4 is a war, every day." Pregnant Woman Fighting Breast Cancer Gets 9 Rounds of Chemo While Carrying Her Baby Ban the idea of 'beating' breast cancer asiseeit/Getty Images "When we talk about 'beating' breast cancer, or when we call breast cancer 'a battle,' it puts a burden on the patient," Yunus says. The problem? This kind of narrative comes with an expectation that a person has to win, or that their fate is within their control as long as they're strong enough. "It's not our fault if it comes back," adds Yunus. And "losing the battle" altogether isn't a sign of weakness, either. Doctors Kept Dismissing My Back Pain—Until I Was Finally Diagnosed With Terminal Cancer I don't obsess over death KidStock/Getty Images Lauren Hufnal, who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer just six months after giving birth to her son, says she tries to stay positive no matter what. "I'm focusing on new mom milestones," she tells Health. "Hearing my son say his first words was my motivation at first." Yunus added that despite having an incurable disease, she doesn't waste time thinking about death constantly: "People expect that I'm preoccupied with death every day, but I'm not. I do normal things, like go to meetings at my kids' school and buy my own groceries." How to Become a More Positive Person in 21 Days Looks aren't everything Burger/Getty Images "A lot of people think you're supposed to look like you're on your deathbed [if you have metastatic breast cancer]," says Diane Hockensmith, whose stage 3 breast cancer metastasized in 2014. "But that isn't the case." Yunus agrees. "How we look doesn't reflect the status of the disease," she says. "People often say to me, 'Well, you look great!' That's nice, but it doesn't change the fact that my illness is progressing." Ask your friend how she's feeling, rather than assuming she's doing well based on her appearance. Hyperrealistic Nipple Tattoos Are Changing the Game for Breast Cancer Survivors Talk about other things Lucy Lambriex/Getty Images While she says it feels great to know how deeply others care about her, Shanette Caywood, who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer at age 32, finds it challenging to rehash her medical news over and over again. "When you keep talking about it with people, you're reliving it again," she says. "That's especially hard when it's not something you always want to talk about." Ask your friend whether she feels up to cancer talk before you launch into a conversation about it. 9 Breast Cancer Symptoms That Aren't Lumps Just do it Hero Images/Getty Images Of course it's thoughtful to ask someone with breast cancer how you can help, but probing her for a to-do list can actually cause stress: "Asking someone who is ill what you can do for them puts the burden back on their shoulders," says Terri Dilts, who has been in treatment for breast cancer for 17 years. Her advice? Don't ask, just do. "Create a Meal Train or Share the Care group online. That way others can sign up to help, and the burden is no longer on the patient." 10 Things Women With Breast Implants Should Know About Cancer Screening Family matters jessicaphoto/Getty Images Though a lumpectomy, chemotherapy, and radiation helped McCord get cancer-free after she was diagnosed with stage 1 at age 28, the disease came back 10 years later. "It was only when I was diagnosed the second time that I realized how much my husband and two sons needed extra support," she says. McCord felt comforted knowing her boys were going to the movies with friends, or out playing golf with family. Plus, it helped restore normalcy to their lives. "It was an important outlet for them," she adds. Plan some one-on-one time with your friend's family members or significant other to show them they're not alone in this. 22 Ways to Help a Friend With Breast Cancer Lend a hand (literally) FangXiaNuo/Getty Images Help with meals and carpools is always welcome, but assistance can extend beyond the kitchen or car too. One suggestion: Get inside their garden if they have one. "Gardening is very difficult for me," says Dilts. "And some people love to do it. It's nice to have someone take care of these things when all I want to do is lie down." Caywood agrees. "Sometimes it's those little things that mean so much more than the big things people go out of their way to do," she says. 16 Celebrities Who Battled Breast Cancer Reach out... milicad/Getty Images Supporting someone with stage 4 breast cancer can sometimes be as simple as shooting off a text. "I appreciate when I haven't heard from a friend in a while and they call or send a text to see how I'm doing," says Caywood. "It's so important to me to know that they'll be there if I need them." Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, either. "I'd rather have someone say the wrong thing than say nothing at all," adds Hufnal. ...But also give space kupicoo/Getty Images "It's often easier for me to debrief alone," says Caywood. "I had a scare last year where I found out that a lump in my left breast had increased in size. To know that it was a possible threat was scary." But before Caywood shared the news with her family and friends, she felt she needed time to process it by herself. When you're living with metastatic breast cancer, "the people close to you are affected too," she says. "Sometimes I can't handle everyone's emotions all at once. So I have to deal with me first, building myself up and getting a better understanding [of the situation] before I can talk to the next person and manage their emotions in addition to my own." 6 Breast Cancer Treatments You Need to Know About That Aren't Chemo Be patient NicolasMcComber/Getty Images Try not to get frustrated if your friend forgets things here and there, as treatment can take a toll on both the mind and body. After a mastectomy, radiation, and countless rounds of chemotherapy, Linda Adamson, whose stage 3 breast cancer progressed to metastatic when she was 48, says she's most thankful when others are patient with her, since "chemo brain is real." The Powerful Reason This Breast Cancer Survivor Is Putting Her Mastectomy Scars on Full Display Send a care package Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images "Right after I was diagnosed, my friends sent a series of hand-picked care packages to my house," recalls Hufnal. "They gave me pajamas, diapers for my newborn son, household supplies, and cleaning products." The everyday essentials took a load off Hufnal, who lives in a four-story walkup in New York City and would otherwise have to lug shopping bags up to her apartment. "It saved me time and energy," she says. "I've never been so thankful for a roll of toilet paper in my life!" What is Dense Breast Tissue and How Does It Affect Your Health? Plan an activity AMR Image/Getty Images Just because someone has late-stage breast cancer doesn't mean they can't keep doing the things they enjoy. "One friend would wake up early in the morning to go reserve tennis courts for us to play at later in the day," Hufnal says. "He knew I'd only last about 15 minutes because I was so tired from my chemo treatments, but he wanted me to get outside and do an activity I'd always loved." If your friend isn't up to a workout, consider signing the two of you up for restorative yoga class or group meditation instead. To get our top stories delivered to your inbox,sign up for the HEALTH newsletter Silver linings exist Asiseeit/Getty Images Hockensmith's breast cancer recently came back for the third time. But despite its metastasis to her spine, she's still able to see an upside in it all. "It's crazy to say, but my diagnosis was a blessing in one sense," she says. When Hockensmith was initially diagnosed in 2010, volunteers from a local community center, which supports women with breast cancer, brought her cards in the hospital. She ended up hitting it off with the women and soon found herself working for them as an administrative assistant. "I worked there for five years, talking to women with breast cancer, giving out free wigs and bras," she says. "And that was really my silver lining in all of this. I've met so many wonderful people with this diagnosis, and I've been able to help them." 20 Things to Know About DCIS, or 'Stage 0' Breast Cancer Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! 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