Surviving a zombie apocalypse isn't easy, as anyone who watches The Walking Dead knows. Personally, I am not convinced my husband would be able to endure iPhone 6 withdrawal and he thinks I would wither away without my regular sushi fix. We also might lose the will to live after hearing the kids repeatedly whine, "I'm bo-oored." Conan O'Brien recently joked that he'd never make it through a zombie apocalypse because, he said, "I'd be killed on a sunblock run."
Dave and I have discussed the what-if scenarios and have decided that I would be the master plotter and he would handle zombie slaying. The supermarket closest to us is kind of small, unfortunately, so food runs wouldn't be very fruitful and we'd have to break the tragic news to the kids that no, Dave couldn't bring them back ice cream. But there is an excellent local bakery that makes the best scones and I will definitely suggest they stock up the next time I stop by. In terms of weapons, we have some excellent J.A. Henckels knives we received as a wedding present that could come in handy, along with some toys that make sounds so annoying they would surely scare off walkers. Come to think of it, hurling the wedding china that we never use could also prove effective.
As it turns out, the geniuses over at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have put their minds to surviving a zombie apocalypse—they've created a little-known Zombie Preparedness section on the CDC website. Visitors will find helpful tips such as "Don't drink the water!" and a list of emergency items to have at home in case of zombie invasion, or any natural disaster:
Water: 1 gallon per person per day
Food: Stock up on non-perishable items*
* This does not mean sushi
Medications: Prescription and non-prescription
Tools and supplies: Utility knife, duct tape, battery-powered radio
Sanitation and hygiene: Household bleach, soap, towels*
* I'd add hand sanitizer, for anyone concerned about getting a cold during the zombie apocalypse
Clothing and bedding: A change of clothes for each family member*
* If you have a 10-year-old girl, I recommend packing at least 200 outfits, including some with glitter
Important documents: Copies of your driver's license, passport and birth certificate*
* Note, you won't need your Starbucks Rewards card
First aid supplies: Even if a zombie bites you, at least your family would have the kit to keep on hand should a tornado or hurricane subsequently strike. That said, the weather on The Walking Dead is surprisingly decent, though not once has anyone ever talked about the weather. Go figure.
The CDC recently came out with a Zombie Pandemic novella to download, for your information and reading pleasure, plus a helpful poster to pin up although it must be said that the Walking Dead zombies are far better looking (sorry, CDC) and you should hang this in your office cubicle at your own risk:
The Zombie Preparedness section reassuringly states that if zombies did start roaming the streets, the CDC would launch an investigation—as they do with any disease outbreak—and send first responders. It is unclear what would happen, however, if all CDC employees turned into zombies and only one staffer with a drinking problem remained (see: Walking Dead Season 1, Episode 5). The site also doesn't provide information on what would happen should a disaster of previously unknown epic proportions occur, like the breakup of Beyoncé and Jay-Z.
Still, it is reassuring to know that the CDC is there for us. If they could just figure out a way to cryogenically freeze sushi, and make sure there is an ample supply of low-sodium soy sauce, I'll be all set.