I never understood why some women get angry at ‘time of the month’ jokes. Because I, for one, always laugh. Despite doing everything right (exercising, drinking tons of water, getting lots of sleep, eating healthy foods and regulating alcohol, caffeine and sugar), I’m still plagued by this demon.

August 22, 2012

I never understood why some women get angry at ‘time of the month’ jokes. Because I, for one, always laugh. Have these females somehow managed to bypass the hormonal nightmare that is PMS? Do they not understand the pain of the otherwise confident, emotionally stable, lighthearted, and happy woman who, five days out of the month, is diminished to a carb-craving, ibuprofen-popping, crying-at-tissue-commercials, uber-sensitive evil sloth? If you're one of these women, I'm so envious. Please share your secrets!

Pills, prevention and retention
Despite doing everything right (exercising, drinking tons of water, getting lots of sleep, eating healthy foods, and regulating alcohol, caffeine, and sugar), I’m still plagued by this demon. After a health scare several months ago, I even stopped taking birth control pills but have yet to see a noticeable decrease of PMS symptoms—with the exception of water retention. Unfortunately, the water retention was my favorite part of this affliction because it was the only time that my otherwise tiny chest expanded. Going off of the pill eliminated the bloating, but kept the same amount of crazy.

Innocent bystanders and rock candy
Luckily for him, my live-in boyfriend is out of town for work and will escape the hot mess tornado that I’m about to become. Last month, I spent at least two nights picking fights with him (we never fight) after getting tipsy off of two glasses of wine because he was less than enthusiastic about having pasta for dinner. After crying myself to sleep, I woke up at 2 AM with such an intense sugar craving that I fumbled around the apartment until I eventually satiated myself with stale blue rock candy that had been purchased in honor of the Breaking Bad premier (I haven’t eaten rock candy since I was 7).

I crawled back into bed, shamefully crunching on the blue garbage, hoping that my boyfriend wouldn’t wake up and see me hiding under the covers, shoving crystallized sugar into my face. Needless to say, I’m terrified about what will happen if/when I get pregnant—I can’t imagine nine months of hormone-induced shenanigans.

I’ve tried vitamins, yoga, eliminating dairy, and even mild anti-depressants to no avail. At 32, I’ve been dealing with this for more than 15 years, and I’ve pretty much accepted the Mr. Hyde that pillages my life every month. Ladies—what have you done to help conquer PMS? I’m open to all tips and welcome your feedback. Please holler!

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