Cristina Fender, 34, of Austin, Texas, is an aspiring writer,
blogger, and mother of two who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2006. Each and every day Cristina struggles to manage her condition while taking care of her family. Though Cristina's approach to treating bipolar disorder isn't for everyone, her story vividly demonstrates how elusive stability can be for people with bipolar.
After lunch, I wander into my bedroom, light some incense, and pull out my stash of marijuana. A few tokes and I’m anxiety-free for about half an hour. (My therapist agrees that it helps some people.) I don’t mention my marijuana use to the nurse practitioner because, frankly, we don’t always see eye to eye on my
treatment. For example, right now I get the shakes; she thinks it’s due to the lithium and I think it’s the Geodon. But when you mess around with my medication—cutting down on one med or the other—you better be right. The consequences can be devastating for me and my family.
And even if I’m doing fairly well, I still experience episodes of “auditory overload.” Everything gets louder and I can’t cope. These episodes usually occur when the kids are yelling and the TV is on. Listening to my iPod helps; it keeps me centered.
Are You Bipolar? Take Our Assessment
By four o’clock I start drinking my three to four glasses of half wine and half mineral water for the night. (My nurse practitioner doesn’t know I drink.) My husband gets home at five, and that’s usually when I close the door to my bedroom to have a little peace. Sometimes I feel like screaming, but I don’t want to scream in front of my family.
After dinner I take the mood stabilizer lithium and Geodon, an atypical antipsychotic. If I’m up for it, my kids and I then do bath time and homework. If I’m having “bipolar issues,” I quietly shut my door, sit on my bed, and try to get myself out of my current state. It feels awful. I do some self-therapy and tell myself I can get out of this. The “You can do it!” speech comes up a lot. Before bed I take a Xanax and Ambien cocktail to calm me. I put soothing songs on my iPod and lie down. If I’m lucky, I’ll sleep through the night.
Lead writer: Cristina C. Fender
