My mother had breast cancer about 10 years ago, and my sister Beth got diagnosed in 2004. She tested positive for the BRCA gene mutation, so she ended up getting a double mastectomy.
Im one of three girls, so Beths test results gave me and my other sister, Carolyn, a 50% chance of having the gene mutation.
At first I didnt do anything with that information. I felt like I was too young to worry at just 32. Also, why would I get tested? I would never get surgery, so what was the point of knowing?
Carolyn got tested right away, and she was negative. My parents both got tested too, and it turned out that even though my mother had had breast cancer, my father was the breast cancer gene carrier.
Eventually I started getting really scared of chemotherapymore than cancer. I started hearing how damaging chemo could be, that it could cause infertility.
I became an emotional wreck and spent a couple of months deciding if I wanted to get testedand face the possibility of a double mastectomy.
It was a catch–22: If Im positive, how am I going to live with this information? But if I dont find out Im positive, Im still living in fear.
When I tested positive for the BRCA gene mutation in April 2005, I was devastated. I felt like Id just gotten a life sentence. But I still was not ready for a mastectomy.
I think the worst part was that I was single and dating. Its hard enough to meet somebody as it is. How am I going to meet somebody if I have scars all over? Will men really be able to accept this and love me and find me attractive?
What I really needed was to talk to other women who had done the surgery to see actual results. I really only wanted to talk to single women, but it was virtually impossible to find them.
I got hooked up with a support group but a lot of these women had had oophorectomies (the removal of ovaries), and they were talking about how they lost their sex drive, how their hormones were crazy. That actually made me feel worse. I was just trying to wrap my head around maybe losing my breasts!
It was interesting but I found that the men in my lifelike my father and my brothers-in-lawwere more worried than I was, like they didnt know if men could really handle that.
But none of my friends thought it was unreasonable to consider a double mastectomy or that it was too drastic or a mistake. I know a lot of other women who had people in their lives say they were crazy for doing this.
I made the final decision to have the surgery in August 2005. I think the last piece that nailed it down for me was when I met with a plastic surgeon and she explained that they can do skin sparing, and I saw her photos of all the patients she had done. It was amazing.
I saw a therapist who suggested I formally look in the mirror and say good-bye to my breasts and make an emotional connection with them. My friend did a photo shoot for me. And I definitely had those mirror moments where I was looking straight on and saying good-bye to the images of them, and the touch.
I think I went through such a healthy process. I didnt rush into it. I really was at peace by the time I made the decision. And during that time I was also training for the Avon walkI was getting in shape and feeling connected to the cause.
But there was definitely a feeling of a countdown, especially in the last couple of weeks. 20 days, 19 days…I was ticking off the days. It did feel like doomsday but I was confident in my decision.
…and going under the knife
In a skin-sparing mastectomy, they cut around the nipple, and all the skin stays, except for your nipple. They scoop out all the breast tissue through the hole that they make in each breast. They also put tissue expanders under the muscles of the chest wall to start stretching the skin for implants.
My surgery was a lot less scary than I thought it was going to be because I had breasts when I woke up. And it wasnt gory. It was so clean looking!
I thought it was going to be all bruised and bloody, but it looked exactly like before but with some gauze over the center.
In January I had my exchange surgery where they put in the implants, and that was a walk in the park.
Then I got the nipples in March. The nipples are really just flesh at the center of my breast; they sew it in a way that protrudes like a nipple. But the colorings not there. So after that heals, you get a tattoo thats the color of a nipple.
So now its two and a half years since the reconstruction was finished, and I feel great. I feel so relieved.
I actually like the way my breasts look. I like them better than the way they looked before. And it has not affected my relationships with men at all. Ive been with a few men since. And some didnt even know and I didnt bother to tell them.
I think Im one of the fortunate ones because my breasts were not my biggest asset and not something that I identified with my beauty.
Now I help other women going through it. I give comfort and support to women who are scared out of their minds. Because Im so at peace, Im able to pass on some kind of security to other people.
In fact, I would say this is the best thing that ever happened to me. It kind of changed my outlook on a lot of things. It made me stronger and gave me perspective about whats really important.
There was never anything I was really passionate about in my life before, and now I found something.