I Recovered From Depression by Connecting With Others

It’s hard to recall when I first felt depressed, because for a long time it was indistinguishable from my personality. As a child I was introverted. Giving and receiving physical or verbal affection made me uncomfortable. My parents divorced when I was 2, and for years I dated men twice my age in an attempt to fix my relationship with my father. I believe my depression started when I was just 7 years old.

My doctor said I had PMS!
In college, my depression became severe. My grades were so terrible that I was kicked out for a semester. I had zero motivation to go to class, study, or do anything. Most students feel the stress of growing up, but I realized my problems were more than stress. I constantly pushed away people who tried to be my friend, didn’t leave my room, and had no energy to do mundane tasks like laundry. When I finally went to a clinic, the doctor told me I had PMS! My low mood wasn’t cyclical, but I didn’t know what else it could be. He sent me away with instructions to keep a diary, but when you’re depressed, it’s hard to articulate your thoughts, much less write them down. I never saw that doctor again.

After graduation I found a job, but I was barely making it through the workday. I would do only what was absolutely necessary: Get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. There was no joy, motivation, or sense of accomplishment. Though I wasn’t suicidal, I couldn’t imagine life five years down the road.

It wasn’t until I was 27, when I read Darkness Visible by William Styron, that I understood what was wrong with me. He articulated beautifully all of the feelings of loneliness and despair I’d been fighting for the past 20 years.