I Got Over My Shame and Got My Weight, Diabetes, and Life Under Control

Having diabetes made me feel old and ashamed
Two months after my daughter's birth, I went on metformin, a medication that helps keep my blood sugar levels in check. I took it twice a day, with dinner and with my bedtime snack. At breakfast I took Amaryl, and then I switched to Actos. I sat at the table with my husband taking pills. There's nothing sexy about a medicine bottle.

I had to change my diet and become pretty restrictive. None of my friends were on medication; none went to doctor appointments as much as I did. And when I was at the doctor's office, I'd look around and all I saw were old ladies. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I felt like an old woman, a patient.

Now I realize the reason I felt this way didn't have as much to do with the disease as it did my lack of support at home. When I made healthy meals, my husband would say things like, "Eww, what's that smell?" when I was steaming fresh vegetables. He'd bring home Tastykakes and other junk food. By then I had two young daughters, and fruits and vegetables were just not popular with anyone in my family, so I kept junk food around the house.

Around 1999 I started to gain a lot of weight, and my husband would make less-than-complimentary comments about my body.

I was really struggling to manage my diabetes at that point. I had a change in my schedule to the night shift (I'm a direct-care worker for mentally retarded women who live in a group home). My kids would keep me busy till I had to leave for work, and I never seemed to have time for a healthy dinner.

I'd grab whatever I could—fast food on the way to work or breakfast cereal when I got there. I was so hungry that I'd binge on crappy food during my 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. shift. I also worked a 24-hour shift, from 8 p.m. Saturday to 8 p.m. Sunday. I wasn't getting any companionship or emotional help in my marriage and eating that way was my attempt to treat myself and feel better.