Q:
Caregivers have to provide extra care for a spouse in pain and also deal with the fact that their own lives are disrupted. How do they deal with that?
A:
The biggest problem for caregivers is that they can't talk about it, really, with the person who is causing them to be in this situation. They can to some extent, but on a day-to-day basis you can't keep saying to your spouse, "I'm angry with you, even though I know it's not your fault." There's only so many times you can say that, if you can say that at all. So they hold it in.
I'm a total believer in support groups for people in the same situation. You can say to people in your support group of caregivers, "You know, there are times when I'd like to wash my hands of this whole situation, and move a thousand miles away." That's totally normal, but it's a temporary feeling.
Q:
You often hear that friends withdraw from people who are in chronic pain, but do people in pain also withdraw from friendships?
A:
When you have the flu or a bad cold, when you feel you're dying even if you know it's just a virus, you want to go to bed. You don't want people around. You don't want to relate. And it's the same with significant pain. It takes too much effort to be nice, to socialize. So a lot of people do withdraw.
Other people never quit kvetching. It gets to where a friend doesn't even want to ask them how they are because they'll launch into 10 minutes about their medical problems. That's a way of pushing away friends. So there is a tendency toward isolation.
Q:
What do you admire most in your chronic pain patients?
A:
What I admire is somebody who is realistic about their limitations, but within that framework is doing their best to have a life. To maximize their function. To have meaningful things in their lives. People who have been able to not have their pain be the only thing in their lives.
Accepting doesn't mean doing nothing about it. Accepting means saying, "Given that this is my situation, what can I do to minimize the disruption and what can I do to have a meaningful life?"
Q:
How do those people minimize the disruption?
A:
For a start, distraction. Distraction is the first line of defense against pain. You can't distract yourself when you're suffering 10 out of 10 pain, overwhelming pain. But if medication and therapy can get you down to the level where you can be distracted, then a movie, a conversation, television—these things can make you feel better. But you have to be willing to open yourself up to that.
Q:
Your daughter died of colon cancer at the age of 31. Did that teach you something about acceptance?
A:
When doctors tell patients to quit being sorry for themselves, most patients discount it, because they're thinking "You don't know what I've been through." But in my case, many of my patients realize that I, too, have been through a devastating experience. So in my office practice I fairly often have a discussion like this: "I know it's really hard to have something bad happen to you. And I understand how terrible this is for you. But one of the things I learned from my daughter's death—and I have now lived twice as long as she did—is that I want to make the best of things. I have a formal practice of noticing every good thing that happens to me. If there's a full moon out there, I'm so grateful to see it. I focus on the positives."
Chronic Pain:Coping With Chronic Pain
Health Journey
WEEKLY NEWSLETTER
Chronic Pain News and Insights
Sign up for a free weekly email with our most up-to-date information.
