It used to be that women waited for the man to make the first move—not anymore. If somebody looks interesting online, don't just "wink" or "flirt"—a quick but somewhat unromantic way to let him or her know you're interested. Instead, says Praver, "Send them a few lines so that they know you are interested. You can't wait for someone to contact you."
That's what Smith did when she met her current beau. "I finally made a bold move and contacted someone whose profile I'd seen online. Perhaps all service's formats are not the same, but with Match.com you can either sit back—like a princess being pursued—and wait to be contacted, you can peruse the daily potential matches they send to you, or you can get totally proactive and go fishing in the man gallery," she says.
Just do it
If you sense chemistry, don't wait to make a date. "Don't text someone for two months before meeting them," Eaker Weil says. Praver advises: "Speak on the phone several times before you meet, too, to make sure you connect while speaking and not just via email."
A lot about dating has changed, but some things stay the same, adds Dr. Lin. "Common sense still counts. You don't want to meet them in a secluded private space for the first time."
Related links:
- How to Stay Healthy Down There
- Brooke Shields Gives Back: Her Mission to Empower Girls And More
- Finding Love Online, Despite Health Problems
- Ultimate Expert Tips for Staying Young
Keep it light
The first date should not be an interview, according to Eaker Weil. "The idea that you can find out everything about a person in 20 minutes is terrible advice," she says. "You can't measure someone in one date. We often idealize their positive [attributes] or exaggerate his or her negative [attributes] on the first date, but in my opinion, it takes at least three dates to gain real perspective on who he or she is and where they are coming from. Keep it light and try to have fun."
Avoid the TMI—too much information—trap. We all have baggage, but "be discriminating about when and how you reveal things; too much exposure or information is risky," says Eaker Weil. "Enjoy yourself or get to know the person before you talk about exes or widows."
Talk about sex
Many women find that they rediscover sex after menopause, but everyone should move at her own pace.
"Sex can be scary, especially if you haven't dated in 30 years, so don't let yourself get rushed into something you are not comfortable with," Eaker Weil says. "Say, ‘I like you and think you are attractive, but I need more time to get to know you,'" she suggests. Put another way: "Let's have the appetizer now, and we will have plenty of time for dinner and dessert later."
Orbuch adds: "You need to plan ahead and talk about sex before it occurs in a relationship. You may no longer need to worry about pregnancy, but you need to be aware and informed about sexually transmitted diseases and how to prevent them."
Go dutch
Chivalry is not dead, but the economy is only starting to show signs of life (and divorce can be expensive). "Many older men may be retired or may have lost income in the stock market or divorce settlement. They may want to go out, but don't have as much money as they used to," Eaker Weil says. "This doesn't mean they are cheap."
Going dutch is OK, she says. "Talk about finances."
Switch teams
It may seem like a ratings ploy on shows like ABC's Desperate Housewives, but it does happen.
"A lot of older women are looking for love and support and don't want to do all the work anymore, and what we are seeing is a shift where women are going after women instead of men," Eaker Weil says. "This means trying something different because the other thing didn't work. They may find women understand them better and are happier. Experimenting is OK."
Have a family plan
Many gray divorcees have older children who can't—or don't want to—picture their parents on dates. When and how to break the news depends on the age and maturity level of the children. "Don't tell the children until it becomes significant," Praver advises.
That's what Smith did. "When I realized it was a regular thing, I introduced them," she explains.
That's when the whole semantics issue came up. "What do you call a man you are seeing when you're 57? My boyfriend?" asks Smith. "This sounds like I should be writing his name on my loose-leaf binder in curly letters."
She also rejected "partner" as too unspecific, and "friend" seemed to diminish how they felt about one another. "So I've decided to call him my love slave," she says. "But I'm not sharing that term with my sons!"
