Finding Love Online, Despite Health Problems

The stigma of mental illness
People with physical disabilities aren’t the only ones who face stigma while dating. People with mental health problems, from chronic depression to schizophrenia, have also benefited from specialized sites.

Jim Leftwich, 39, a college librarian from White Plains, N.Y., has lived with schizoaffective disorder, a condition that combines features of schizophrenia and mood disorders (such as depression), since 1992. In 2004, after years of brushing up against the harsh realities of the dating scene, Leftwich founded No Longer Lonely, a dating site that caters to the mentally ill.

“I thought to myself, ‘There should be something like this out there,’ and I was surprised to find there wasn’t,” says Leftwich. “If you’re mentally ill, it’s kind of a hostile world out there. I thought by taking down that whole bugaboo of having an illness, making it all open with everyone knowing, it would facilitate things. People would be more trusting and relationships might be more successful.”

No Longer Lonely now has 16,000 members and a brand new interface (similar to those of social-networking sites) that allows users to upload poems, art, videos, and blogs. The site has been responsible for more than 20 marriages. “I find with my clientele, they’re more willing to get to know someone remotely and they’re more open,” he says. “They don’t have the same kind of prejudices that people in general tend to have.”

Even though most mental illnesses can be controlled with medication, therapy, or a combination of the two, some people still view conditions such as bipolar disorder as a mark of weakness or instability.

“Even in today’s enlightened society, where acceptance and diversity are hailed as the right thing to do...mentally ill people tend to be outcasts. It’s terrible,” says Houran, who is also a former instructor of clinical psychiatry at the Southern Illinois School of Medicine. “The minute someone knows you have a certain mental disorder, they assume it means that you’re not capable of love, or that you’re dangerous or unstable. Those are myths. Given the right care, people with mental illnesses and other medical conditions can lead very normal, functioning lives.”

Some mental illnesses—certain mood or personality disorders, for instance—could cause problems in fledgling relationships, Houran acknowledges. And especially if the relationship progresses to thoughts of marriage and kids, two partners who each have bipolar disorder, for example, could find themselves debating whether it’s safe or wise to have children.

However, says Houran, in most cases these considerations aren’t enough to forestall a relationship. “Even under the best of circumstances, people still have major relationship challenges,” he says.

For Houran, this outgrowth of illness-specific dating sites and services is a boon. “Niche sites are growing in popularity because they allow people with these very specific needs or interests to connect in a way that’s not possible on the big dating sites,” he says. “The big dating sites are akin to Wal-Mart. You have a lot of quantity, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to find people with a lot quality in the way you define it. That being said, niche sites by their very construction tend to be very small. So I always advocate [that] people use both.”