Who says a graduation speech has to be earnest to say something? Or that it even has to be a speech? Saturday Night Live alum Maya Rudolph had some serious fun with her commencement address to Tulane University graduates (including her niece), doling out hilariously random bits of life advice—followed by a song that was part National Anthem, part Take Me Out to the Ballgame, and part Beyoncé's Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).
Here, highlights of the best bits from the always-genius Bridesmaids' star:
On embarking on adult life:
"From this day forward the world is filled with endless possibilities. You're young, you're in your twenties. This is a great day for all of you. Except for those of you leaving college with any student loan debt. I don't know what to say to you. I hope you win the lottery."
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On her own college days:
"I didn't go to Tulane. I graduated from UC Santa Cruz which is a hippie school nestled in the seaside woods of Northern California…I majored in Not Washing My Feet and Advanced ZigZag Rolling. For a lot of my 5-year college career, I was lost. Like, actually lost. Santa Cruz is mostly woods, and you make one wrong turn and you're gone for days."
On new-graduate angst
"I didn't know who I was or what I was going to do with my life when I finished college. I wasn't any clearer about my direction than the day I graduated high school. I wore Birkenstocks and smelled like a patchouli fart. And I am only willing to admit that now that Birkenstocks are sold at Urban Outfitters."
On how to live a good life:
"So hold on to your old friends. Kiss your Mama. Admit what your dreams are. Don't beat yourself up if you don't know what you're gonna do tomorrow. But work hard and don't be lazy. And put away your damn phone once in a while. And be nice to jerks because we still don't know the criteria for getting into heaven yet."
And my personal favorite, on what she'd say to her 21-year-old self:
"If I could give my 21-year-old self any advice it would be take as many bikini photos as you can now because your body is smokin' hot. And it will not be this bangin' after childbirth."
LOL to the extended version of the speech here:
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